When Geraldine Oluoha went out to dinner together with her then-boyfriend simply earlier than her twenty first birthday in August 2023, she had no thought the night would develop into a life-altering second.
“I felt so sick in my abdomen,” mentioned Ms. Oluoha, now 22, who recalled the second her ex-boyfriend proposed publicly at a restaurant — flowers in hand, mood-setting music filling the air, and keen onlookers holding their breath, ready for her to say sure. However Ms. Oluoha declined.
“I’d at all times say, ‘I’d hate to graduate with a hoop on my finger,’” mentioned Ms. Oluoha, who was ending her undergraduate research at Abia State College, the place she was finding out accounting. “I concern getting married younger, as a result of what if I flip 25 and notice that is precisely what I don’t need?”
Moreover, Ms. Oluoha believed that an individual ought to explicitly consent to a public proposal earlier than being caught without warning.
Whereas marriage proposals are a joyful milestone for a lot of {couples}, for others, they’ll mark the start of the top. Whether or not it’s an engagement ring that stirs extra anxiousness than pleasure, or a grand gesture used as a Band-Assist for unresolved points, a rejected proposal can unravel a relationship — a second solely made worse when performed out in viral TikToks and social media posts.
“Folks contemplate public proposals romantic, however this isn’t a query for the general public; it’s a query on your companion,” mentioned Dr. Drew Ramsey, a psychiatrist and the creator of “Therapeutic the Trendy Mind: 9 Tenets to Construct Psychological Health and Revitalize Your Thoughts.” “Identify one other choice with such big well being, monetary and psychological penalties. You need to hear an unbiased ‘sure,’ however an viewers creates bias.”
Dr. Catherine J. Mills, a licensed scientific psychologist and trauma specialist, advises listening to your preliminary response to the considered spending your life with somebody.
“When you really feel excited, joyful or relaxed with the considered marrying this particular person, this can be the precise choice for you,” she mentioned. “Nevertheless, when you really feel numb, unhappy or scared, your physique is perhaps telling you this is probably not the precise choice for you.”
For Liz Biddle, 42, a Virginia-based creator, a public proposal in her 20s was the last word “flawed place, flawed time, flawed particular person” second. It even impressed her ebook “Wanting Previous the Mirror: An Inward Journey,” which she wrote to assist readers uncover deeper truths about themselves and their lives.
When Ms. Biddle’s ex-fiancé proposed at Disneyland in entrance of a crowd, she mentioned she felt “trapped within the highlight” and pressured to say sure. Regardless of figuring out she didn’t need to settle for, Ms. Biddle initially did, then ended the engagement and the connection 4 months later.
“Some folks need roses and to be placed on an enormous display, whereas others need a proposal of their front room. Finally, that’s how my present husband proposed to me, and it was good,” mentioned Ms. Biddle, who was married in June 2021.
As troublesome as turning down a proposal could really feel, it’s OK to say no, mentioned Colette Jane Fehr, a licensed marriage and household therapist and the host of the “Insights from the Sofa: Psychological Well being at Midlife” podcast.
“It’s not your job to guard your companion from actuality,” she mentioned. “Don’t really feel pressured to melt the rejection with extreme reassurance, as that will solely trigger confusion.”
As an alternative, Ms. Fehr suggests utilizing tactful phrases like “I care about you significantly, however I don’t see myself taking that step with you,” or “I recognize the hassle you’ve put into this, and it pains me to say I can’t settle for.”
Folks with an anxious attachment fashion needs to be particularly conscious when contemplating shifting ahead with an engagement, as they are typically people-pleasers, mentioned Dr. Judy Ho, a licensed scientific and forensic neuropsychologist.
“They might say sure within the second to keep away from battle or embarrassment,” she mentioned. “They may additionally really feel it’s extra compassionate to say sure publicly and focus on it later. However that’s not the extra compassionate selection — it’s a shock for the particular person after they suppose the proposal has been accepted, already imagining a future collectively, solely to later be taught that it’s not what you need.”
Dr. Ho suggests trusting your instinct and talking your model of that fact when confronted with a proposal that doesn’t really feel like a superb match on your future.
Hope Williams, knowledgeable speaker primarily based in Maui, has turned down two marriage proposals — however she’s not second-guessing her choice.
“I consider in sharing life along with your favourite particular person. I’m sure that one hundred pc is on the market, and I’ll comprehend it once I discover it,” mentioned Ms. Williams, 41, who credit her dad and mom’ 45-year marriage with modeling a mixture of friendship and mutual success. “Belief your intestine, push by way of the unease and also you’ll develop. As quickly as you rise up for your self or make that robust choice, aid follows.”
Whereas complete knowledge on the failure charges of marriage proposals is scarce, a 2022 research within the Journal of Family Psychology discovered that {couples} who overtly focus on marriage and proposals are likely to have stronger, more healthy relationships. In distinction, rejected proposals are sometimes the results of poor timing and mismatched expectations — whether or not it’s a hoop that clashes with a companion’s style or lingering, unresolved points.
Fanneli Robles, the creator of “Anxious to Wed,” discovered this when she navigated her first marriage proposal when she was 27, on Christmas Eve in 2013. Regardless of eager for a proposal for years, the push of pleasure she’d anticipated by no means confirmed up — as an alternative, Ms. Robles felt confused and overwhelmed with anxiousness.
“I so desperately wished to be married,” mentioned Ms. Robles, 38. “I felt like all my buddies had been getting married and having children, and I used to be afraid of being left behind.” However her boyfriend on the time was not the particular person she wished to take that main life step with.
For a lot of ladies, the societal strain to “quiet down” can really feel inescapable. Questions like, “Why aren’t you married but?” can stir emotions of tension, in addition to create strain to decide on somebody simply to keep away from being seen as “undesirable” or alone, Dr. Mills mentioned.
“It’s daring and brave to dwell your fact when it goes in opposition to societal norms,” she mentioned. “However it’s additionally a wholesome selection.”
When reflecting on her failed proposal, Ms. Robles, who later discovered happiness with a person whom she married in 2019, mentioned that “All of the heartbreak, all of the nights I cried — it was all value it.”
At present, she urges ladies to prioritize their very own well-being.
“When you’re with somebody who isn’t best for you, take an opportunity in your happiness,” she mentioned. “I’d by no means have met my husband had I made a decision to marry my ex.”
