If you happen to can reframe the intention behind her want not as excluding you, however as together with him, you possibly can refocus on the energy of your individual father-daughter relationship. Ask your self: Are you delighted that the daughter you’re keen on dearly has discovered a terrific new accomplice, simply as you probably did after your first marriage ended? I think about that you just have been tremendously grateful to have met your second spouse, and that you just really feel an analogous sense of gratitude on behalf of your daughter. With that in thoughts, how are you going to rejoice this event by reaching into your real sense of fatherly pleasure for her?
To be clear, you do should attend the marriage — she invited you to participate on this particular milestone and your absence would certainly “crush” her, casting a everlasting shadow over each at the present time and the remainder of your relationship. Skipping your daughter’s marriage ceremony would remodel your harm emotions right into a story that solely you might be telling, one in every of not being needed, or necessary to her, and rewrite the narrative of your relationship in methods you don’t intend.
So slightly than turning your self right into a bitter, self-isolating Grinch, be a part of the welcoming crowd of people who find themselves coming to rejoice. Within the meantime, name your daughter and say:
“I’m very excited on your marriage ceremony — I’m completely thrilled that you just discovered an awesome accomplice, and one who makes you so completely happy. If there’s a approach for me to take part that you’d get pleasure from, whether or not it’s having a second father-daughter dance, or making a particular toast, or serving to out behind the scenes so your day goes easily, please let me know the way I can assist you. No strain in any respect, simply letting you already know I’m right here for you.”
Don’t say a phrase about her stepfather or her alternative, and don’t learn something into her response. Simply sit with the information that your outreach was significant to her, since you confirmed up along with your love, simply as you’ll present as much as her marriage ceremony.
The truest measure of your parenting is within the constant presence you’ve maintained all through her life. Don’t let one reactive resolution erase that legacy. The marriage day will go, however your resolution to attend regardless of your harm emotions will communicate volumes about your character and your willingness to be the daddy your daughter wants. And that, I assure, is what she’ll keep in mind lengthy after the cake has been minimize and the final dance danced.
Need to Ask the Therapist? When you have a query, e mail askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a question, you conform to our reader submission terms. This column is just not an alternative choice to skilled medical recommendation.
